The part of me I left under the kitchen counter
Releasing childhood trauma to become whole again
This is my story about how a moment of terror as a child shaped who I became, and how I finally at age 62 was able to release this child from that trauma.
Remembering
I was 4 or 5 years old, living in an apartment complex with a playground where all the kids from the block would play. One day I was bullied by an older child, and when I didn’t do as he wanted, he became very angry and said that he would kill me.
I was scared, and I ran to my mother and hid under the kitchen counter. I feared for my life and was in a state of panic.
I remember that I was very scared, and I was convinced that this boy would kill me. Even though I was in terror hiding under the kitchen counter, my mother never really took care of my fear. At least she didn’t handle it, and she didn’t seem to realize what dangerous predicament I was in.
Of course, her reaction was just trying to calm me down, but I had no way to handle my fear. And all I saw was that my mother would not protect me against this danger. She did not help me handle the danger. I was alone.
And right there, in that moment of terror, something inside me changed. A part of me stayed frozen under that counter, and the trajectory of my life shifted.
Seeing
This wasn’t just one moment that passed and was forgotten.
I learned in that moment that the world is dangerous, and I can be killed anytime if I do not conform to the bullies of the world. I learned that I had to adapt to become unnoticed, so I wouldn’t be killed.
And this pattern has followed me to this day at age 62.
I became someone who adapts. Someone who reads the emotions of others and adjusts to them. Someone who makes himself small and unnoticed to survive. Someone who lives according to the expectations of others rather than being himself.
This is what I did in my family. This is what I did at school. This is what I did at work, in relationships, in every social situation I entered.
The person I showed the world was not me. It was a carefully constructed persona designed to keep me safe. A persona that reflected the expectations of the people around me. A persona made as a way to survive in this world.
And I actually believed that this persona was my true self. It was all I knew to be true.
The cost?
I was not living a fulfilled life. There was a void inside of me that I felt. A yearning for something to give me purpose and to fill that emptiness.
I was living as someone else, and my authentic self was still hiding under that kitchen counter, frozen at 4 years old, waiting for someone to come back for him and tell him he was safe.
Understanding
So much happens to us when we are children that forms who we are, how we feel, and sets the path for our lives.
A child does not have the capacity to handle a trauma. If it is not handled by the parents or other grown-ups around the child, it will become a trauma that follows the child for many years. The child needs to find a way to handle these feelings, and this often leads to patterns that the child will carry for the rest of their life.
When you are a child, you already feel your parents’ emotions, and you learn to adapt to them. This enables you to survive because you need them to accept you. And this pattern of adaptation to your surroundings continues through your childhood and into adulthood.
For each of these traumas, it is like a part of us is left behind, and the trajectory of our life is changed based on the experience. The part left behind must be revisited and integrated into the whole again, and the change in life path must be seen to be able to change it.
These traumas become a part of the filter you see the world through. They become something you will live with for many years. They become who you are in the world, and you believe them to be your true self.
But they are not.
Much of this conditioned self was made during your childhood, where you adapted to the norms and rules of your family and the society you were a part of. It created your persona, which is the personality you have adopted as yours in the world.
And this persona becomes so integrated that you cannot see where it ends and where your true self begins.
Reinforcing
I lived this way for 57 years. Why?
Because the persona protected me. It kept me safe. It helped me survive.
Letting go of it felt dangerous. If I stopped adapting, if I stopped making myself small, if I stopped conforming to what others wanted, wouldn’t I be killed? Wouldn’t I be rejected, abandoned, destroyed?
The child under the counter learned that being himself was dangerous. And that belief ran so deep that I couldn’t question it. I couldn’t see it. It was just the truth of how the world works.
And society reinforced this. Everywhere I looked, I saw that adapting was how you survive. You fit in. You conform. You become what others need you to be.
So I kept doing it. I kept living as the conditioned self, believing this was who I am.
I didn’t know that my authentic self was waiting. I didn’t know that my soul was calling me to come home.
Transformation
Around the age of 50, something shifts. We all transform in some way into a self that is more in harmony with our soul, and it requires us to shed the old self, including old beliefs and traumas that now become blocks to integrating our soul into our lives.
To me, it came as that feeling of not living a fulfilled life. The yearning for something to give me purpose and to fill that void inside of me. And this led me to spirituality and to working on my self-development.
At a certain point in our lives, we are called to release all those old childhood traumas before stepping into our true self. We are called to live an authentic life after we have gone through living the conditioned self for many years.
This is an invitation to release the old and step into a new version of yourself that is more authentic and reflects who you are on a soul level.
The transformation is bringing heaven to earth so the two become one. This simply means that you integrate your soul into your life in the world by leaving your old self and becoming a reflection of your soul here on earth. You integrate your soul qualities into your persona and shine the light of your soul in the world.
From the fear-based conditioned self to a self in peace.
From the persona built for survival to the authentic self that reflects your soul.
From living according to others’ expectations to living your truth.
This is a beautiful purpose, and it invites you to be happy living this version of yourself. It is a relief.
But it requires you to let go of all that is not in alignment with your true self. And this is all fear-based beliefs and all patterns you have adapted to fit in with the world.
It requires you to become whole again. To go back and retrieve those parts of yourself that were left behind. To integrate them back into who you are.
And for me that meant returning to myself under that kitchen counter.
Integration
A part of the process of being whole again is to revisit those trauma situations, and give that part of you the love and understanding they didn’t receive at the time. It is as if that part of you is still sitting there under the counter trying to not be found by the guy who wants to kill him. That energy is still there, and it has become some kind of entity in itself.
To integrate this part of yourself, you must make him feel safe, and then ask him to integrate with you again.
I do this in meditation. I simply ask for that version of me to come forward, and then I can feel myself standing in the kitchen looking at the scared boy under the counter. I tell him that he is safe now, and ask him to tell me what he is afraid of. Then he can finally tell an adult. When he is done I give him a hug, and tell him he is safe now. I will protect him, and I invite him to be one with me again.
That is it, it is done. This is no longer preventing me from being who I truly am.
Change
The more you integrate these traumas, the more you become whole again. And you are no longer limited by the beliefs that were connected to these traumas.
That void you felt, that yearning for purpose, it gets filled. Not from the outside, but from within. From integrating all the parts of yourself that were scattered and frozen in time.
In this period of transformation, my life has changed in most areas. And the person I am today is very different from who I was 15 years ago.
I am learning to live as someone who chooses authentically. I am learning to live as myself.
I recommend reading “The Completion Process: The Practice of Putting Yourself Back Together Again” by Teal Swan. https://a.co/d/2Xd6RXB